Simplicity parenting

21 May, 2025

Speaking to him: is it true, kind, necessary & will it help him feel secure
Talking less, so I can be heard more
Less clothes, less toys, less scheduling
More routines
Candles are magic
Quiet Sundays
“That’s a big question, baby. I’ll think about that.”
“I can tell something’s bothering you - you don’t have to tell me.”
Too much stuff, too many choices, overwhelm
Too many things, less depth, less exploration
Rituals - morning, night - bath, reading, talking about the day, what’s happening tomorrow, something we’re grateful for
FAMILY VALUES (outdoor time, minimalism, kindness, humility, boredom,
Mommy loving hugs & kisses

Soul of discipline

Governor gardener guide
Governor (early to 9) gardener (9-13) guide

Healthy compliance in governorship

1. pause and picture 2) start small 3) stay close and calm 4) don’t negotiate, insist 5) follow thru
Self talk before freaking out - pause point, “do you feel balanced?”
Don’t repeat instructions, flat line instructions, make the task smaller
Transitions: your world - my world - our world
Interruptions - 1) hand 2) sorry & excuse me to friend 3) thank you for waiting 4) keep it brief please, friend is waiting
Attention wars 1) parent distracted 2) child feels demoted and displaced 3) child acts out 4) adult gives brief attention
1. see me! (Child) 2) whatever 3) hear me! (Adult) 4) I am the boss
Quality time, undivided attention
Respectfulness and courtesy begins with impulse control
Sweat the small stuff
Rhythm: sense of flow, decompression, safety and security, orderliness and passage of time
Anticipation for something that’s gonna happen on the wknd or later versus now
Directions and instructions VS suggestions and recommendations
Alternatives to suggestions (collecting and connecting, parallel parking - sitting next to and saying hmm this is hard, body listening before eye contact - don’t force eye contact, connect first and then ask, avoid on the fly suggestions and requests, 2x2 instructions - 2 feet on ground and child no more than 2 feet away… then when they comply often you can do a request 20 ft away… back to 2
Giving directions (clarify expectations, be firm but empathetic, clarify family values, clarify going in the same direction together, be authoritative and warm, prepare for an instruction)
Instruction creates inner structure
Where we are going and then how we will get there
NEVER repeat a direction, get specific about the instruction
Too much talking is not great, speech that connects is
WAIT - why am I talking
Actions lead and words follow
Rejection based discipline pushed children away
Alternatives (we directions, DADD - disapprove affirm discover do-over

Tween years / gardener

Talking to boys 1) keep it short 2) break it down to 2/3 discussions 3) establish an end time “we need to sort this out by tomorrow afternoon, let me know what your ideas are at bedtime, if we can do this, no more needs to be said” containment 4) pay attention to timing - during sports vs chores 5) stick to specifics “we need to work out a time for you to clean ur room, if that’s too hard ok, I can choose a time 6) stay in now “we agreed you would ask before borrowing, I see you forgot now, how do we make it right?” 7) focus on actions “when you showed up late, I had to wait too long, and ur sis missed her appt, now she has to wait 6 weeks” 8) affirm actions 9) involve in problem solving 10) own ur feelings
Talking to girls 1) empathize 2) tease out layers and choose one that’s fixable 3) summarize the pattern “ok it’s hard to be asked to do chores when you feel pressure about how, we need to figure out how to handle this 4) restate the issue 5) be careful w tone 6) don’t hammer home the point “I’ll ask you again later” 7) recognize beauty and intelligence - boost confidence!

Cultivating the gardener parenting principle

Asking a tween, who are you being true to? Themselves AND their family / team
According to where they are, diff language at skate park vs with grandparents
“Can you help me understand why..”
The “plan sandwich”