Pregnant
It’s been exactly a week since I found out I’m pregnant.
Ping asked me at the time if I was going to get an abortion. When I told her no, she told me it would be difficult to give the baby away if I carried it to term.
Wild assumption. Mom sat down on my bed and said that she was supposed to be super happy with this news. BUT I wasn’t married, Santi is in Spain, and I have no job.
I cried a lot this week. I am grateful that I have Santi because he has been incredibly supportive when my own family has been making me feel like I can’t handle this, like I should be ashamed of this. Mom told me I needed to keep this a secret.
Dad didn’t have much of a reaction. He asked me how - if I have a boyfriend. Johnny asked me a lot of questions. He didn’t assume I’d have an abortion, but asked if that was something I would consider. He said I needed to think this through hard, to think about how I was going to make it work, because if I couldn’t, it would be too difficult for mom, seeing as i don’t work.
My main sources of support so far have been Santi, Sarah, and Deb. Sarah has been so sweet through all this and stayed emotionally available to talk to me and keep me company. Deb is always resourceful, helping me think of ways to make things work. Santi is just beyond. Talking to me, helping me keep perspective, reminding me that things will work out, assuring me he’s always going to be here for me, sharing his dreams about our family. He is so happy, so proud, so excited. The three of them are what’s keeping me focused on the positive. Electra has also shown up for me in a time where we really are not so close anymore. She drove to the city and came in for my first doctor’s appointment, which I really appreciated. I wish my family were more here for me. I wish they could see the positive in this, but I guess we are cut from the same cloth. It took a second for me to embrace this whole relationship for real, and definitely a hot minute for me to relax about the baby (if I even am now?).
I never imagined id be so isolated from my family during this process. But thinking on it, ive never been on the same wavelength with them about anything. Ive always had to do things my way, with the goal that id show them that things work themselves out. The less my family supports me though, the more I feel capable of handling this. I guess because I know I can’t rely on them, i also know i dont need them. I’m determined to make it work and I will show them it will work.
I think about how i often feel put down by the people closest to me. I was talking to Scott about writing a book one day, and he laughed and asked who would want to read it. I talked to Johnny about my passion being writing and he said, no way, if it was, you’d already be writing. Ive always felt that people dont take me seriously, but I think what i need is to take responsibility for the fact that I care too much about what people think, give too much value to people’s opinions, and dont respect myself enough to pave my own way.
I hope I can share my stories to one day be the support that someone in my position needs. Ive cried to Santi so many times this week about feeling so alone. Ive felt overwhelmed and overpowered - helpless. But I don’t need to feel victimized or stressed by my circumstances. Ive always looked forward to pregnancy, to having a baby, to making things work non-traditionally, and it’s happening now. I’m lucky I still have support, even if it’s not my family, to remind me to stay positive because a baby is a blessing and pregnancy is one of the best things I will experience. The next nine months are going to be a journey to enjoy.