Changing my mindset
I ate gluten today. I’ve been feeling nauseous for two weeks now, I couldn’t poop this morning, and i am beyond stressed about all that is about to happen. I wanted to sabotage everything, stop caring about it all. So I downed a bao from the Chinese bakery, ate two haagen Dazs bars today, 7 rolls of sushi.
I’m going to have the shits tomorrow.
I need to start writing for myself and cultivating a different frame of mind. I was telling Santi today not to stress about money - if we have an abundance mindset, the money will come. He laughed and asked me, the same way you only need to think positive and be happy?
He’s absolutely right. I have to stop letting myself spiral into the deep holes I get into. About how this visa process is going to take forever. About how I’m not going to have access to healthcare in Spain. About how I’m going to be kind of (very) illegal there. About how huge I’m getting and how insatiably hungry I am (or maybe just using pregnancy as an excuse to eat everything). How it’s been raining non fucking stop here. How the weather is so nice in madrid right now. How I miss Santi and how much he’s going to think I’m gross when he sees how much weight I’ve gained.
I feel so uncomfortable in my body. I just want out. So I self-sabotaged today. I ate what makes me feel absolutely sick, and now I feel absolutely sick.
I need to get myself in check and do something that reels me back in when I begin in the spirals. How do I coach myself when I start hating my body? How do I embody the child loving, pregnancy loving, woman loving self?! The person inside me that thinks everything about this process is AMAZING and supernatural and just so damn beautiful?
How do I start treating my body to things that make me actually feel good? Taking showers? Eating healthy? Refraining from eating the seventieth meal of the day? Drinking tea? Hot water? Listening to music? Imagining things I love?
Is this what DBT is all about? Being present and mindful? Catching myself and rerouting myself on the path that makes me feel good? Is this the shit that I have been struggling with all my life? Did getting pregnant not cure all of that?
Baby steps to getting back on track. This is the work, right? Catching myself and getting right back up.
Tomorrow, I will go to the couchers dinner. It’s gonna rain all day, and THAT’S OK. I’m even going to go to barre before. LIFE IS A PRIVILEGE. Moving makes me feel good. Friends make me feel good. I have power over my mind. I can do the things that make me feel good. I am not my thoughts of laziness, negativity, self-hatred, anxiety. I am open, abundant, free, loving, and positive.
It’s going to rain all day tomorrow, and that’s okay.